the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
