Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
