Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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