i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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