I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
