All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
