When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
