i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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