i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
