I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm having to shit out rocks
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
