I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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