he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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