made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
