you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
