Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
