my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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