What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
