Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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