I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
