there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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