she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
