How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
