my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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