is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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