Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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