This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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