you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
