I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize