my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize