It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
