I cockslap morals
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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