A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
