Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize