apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
