Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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