God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
