Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My cat gives me a boner
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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