his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
