Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
