I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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