The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
