Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Randomize
