I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
