girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
