That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
