Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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