i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
