I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
