Three words: puerto rican gang bang
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
