sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
