Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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