Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
