I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
