dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Randomize
