why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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