every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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