dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
