You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
