Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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