Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
