This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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