somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
