I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
