True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Sober January is a disaster.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
