We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
smell my finger.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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