I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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