don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
